Island ECC’s Commitment to Biblical Conflict Resolution:
Island ECC is committed to resolving conflict in a way that glorifies the Lord, edifies the body of Christ and reflects the principles laid out in scripture. Since all relationships- including those among believers- will be faced with disagreements at different times, all Island ECC members, as followers of Christ, commit to the following biblical principles as a guide for resolving issues. We trust that the following information will serve as continual resource for you as you purpose to serve others, grow personally and glorify the Lord in the context of conflict.
The Peacemaker’s Pledge
As people reconciled to God by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we believe that we are called to respond to conflict in a way that is remarkably different from the way the world deals with conflict. We also believe that conflict provides opportunities to glorify God, serve other people, and grow to be like Christ.
Therefore, in response to God’s love and in reliance on His grace, we commit ourselves to respond to conflict according to the following principles:
Glorify God – Instead of focusing on our own desires or dwelling on what others may do, we will seek to please and honor God – by depending on His wisdom, power, and love; by faithfully obeying His commands; and by seeking to maintain a loving, merciful, and forgiving attitude.
Get the log out of your own eye – Instead of attacking others or dwelling on their wrongs, we will take responsibility for our own contribution to conflicts – confessing our sins, asking God to help us change any attitudes and habits that lead to conflict, and seeking to repair any harm we have caused.
Go and show your brother his fault – Instead of pretending that conflict doesn’t exist or talking about others behind their backs, we will choose to overlook minor offenses, or we will talk directly and graciously with those whose offenses seem too serious to overlook. When a conflict with another Christian cannot be resolved in private, we will ask others in the body of Christ to help us settle the matter in a biblical manner.
Go and be reconciled – Instead of accepting premature compromise or allowing relationships to wither, we will actively pursue genuine peace and reconciliation – forgiving others as God, for Christ’s sake, has forgiven us, and seeking just and mutually beneficial solutions to our differences.
By God’s grace, we will apply these principles as a matter of stewardship, realizing that conflict is an opportunity, not an accident. We will remember that success, in God’s eyes, is not a matter of specific results but of faithful, dependent obedience.
And we will pray that our service as peacemakers brings praise to our Lord and leads others to know His infinite love.
These principles are so simple that they can be used to resolve the most basic conflicts of daily life. But they are so powerful that they have been used to mediate and arbitrate bitter divorce and child custody actions, embezzlement situations, church divisions, multi-million dollar business disputes, malpractice lawsuits, and terrible sexual abuse cases. These principles are briefly discussed below. For a more detailed explanation, please see The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, by Ken Sande (Baker Books, 2nd ed. 1997).
Weighing in On Conflict
See Conflict as an Opportunity
Conflict is not necessarily bad or destructive. Even when conflict is caused by sin and causes a great deal of stress, God can use it for good (see Rom. 8:28-29). As the Apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 10:31-11:1, conflict actually provides three significant opportunities.
By God’s grace, you can use conflict to:
• Glorify God (by trusting, obeying, and imitating Him)
• Serve other people (by helping to bear their burdens or by confronting them in love)
• Grow to be like Christ (by confessing sin and turning from attitudes that promote conflict)
These concepts are totally overlooked in most conflicts because people naturally focus on escaping from the situation or overcoming their opponent. Therefore, it is wise to periodically step back from a conflict and ask yourself whether you are doing all that you can to take advantage of these special opportunities.
Glorify God
When the Apostle Paul urged the Corinthians to live “to the glory of God,” he was not talking about one hour on Sunday morning. He wanted them to show God honor and bring Him praise in day-to-day life, especially by the way that they resolved personal conflicts (1 Cor. 10:31).
As mentioned above, you can glorify God in the midst of conflict by trusting Him, obeying Him, and imitating Him (see Prov. 3:4-6; John 14:15; Eph. 5:1). One of the best ways to keep these concerns uppermost in your mind is to regularly ask yourself this focusing question: “How can I please and honor the Lord in this situation?”
The Fight Before the Fight
Get the log out of your own eye
One of the most challenging principles of peacemaking is set forth in Matthew 7:5, where Jesus says, “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” There are generally two kinds of logs you need to look for when dealing with conflict.
First, you need to ask whether you have had a critical, negative, or overly sensitive attitude that has led to unnecessary conflict. One of the best ways to do this is to spend some time meditating on Philippians 4:2- 9, which describes the kind of attitude Christians should have even when they are involved in a conflict.
The second kind of log you must deal with is actual sinful words and actions. Because you are often blind to your own sins, you may need an honest friend or advisor who will help you to take an objective look at yourself and face up to your contribution to a conflict.
When you identify ways that you have wronged another person, it is important to admit your wrongs honestly and thoroughly.
One way to do this is to use the Seven A’s of Confession:
• Address everyone involved (Prov.28:13; 1 John 1:8-9)
• Avoid if, but, and maybe (don’t make excuses; Luke 15:11-24)
• Admit specifically (both attitudes and actions)
• Apologize (express sorrow for the way you affected someone)
• Accept the consequences (Luke 19:1-9)
• Alter your behavior (commit to changing harmful habits; Eph. 4:22-32)
• Ask for forgiveness
The most important aspect of getting the log out of your own eye is to go beyond the confession of wrong behavior and face up to the root cause of that behavior. The Bible teaches that conflict comes from the desires that battle in your heart (James 4:1-3; Matt. 15:18-19). Some of these desires are obviously sinful, such as wanting to conceal the truth, bend others to your will, or have revenge. In many situations, however, conflict is fueled by good desires that you have elevated to sinful demands, such as a craving to be understood, loved, respected, or vindicated.
Any time you become excessively preoccupied with something, even a good thing, and seek to find happiness, security or fulfillment in it rather than in God, you are guilty of idolatry. Idolatry inevitably leads to conflict with God (“You shall have no other gods before me”). It also causes conflict with other people. As James writes, when we want something but don’t get it, we kill and covet, quarrel and fight (James 4:1-4).
There are three basic steps you can take to overcome the idolatry that fuels conflict. First, you should ask God to help you see where your have been guilty of wrong worship, that is, where you are focusing your love, attention, and energy on something other than God. Second, you should specifically identify and renounce each of the desires contributing to the conflict. Third, you should deliberately pursue right worship, that is, to fix your heart and mind on God and to seek joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction in Him alone.
As God guides and empowers these efforts, you can find freedom from the idols that fuel conflict and be motivated to make choices that will please and honor Christ. This change in heart will usually speed a resolution to a present problem, and at the same time improve your ability to avoid similar conflicts in the future.
getting in the ring
Go and show your brother his fault
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff–
Overlook Minor Offenses
Another key principle of peacemaking involves an effort to help others understand how they have contributed to a conflict. Before you rush off to confront someone, however, remember that it is appropriate to overlook minor offenses (Prov.19:11). As a general rule, an offense should be overlooked if you can answer “no” to all of the following questions:
• Is the offense seriously dishonoring God?
• Has it permanently damaged a relationship?
• Is it seriously hurting other people?
• Is it seriously hurting the offender himself?
Don’t Spread the Big Stuff–
Talk in Private
If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, an offense is too serious to overlook, in which case God commands you to go and talk with the offender privately and lovingly about the situation (see Matt. 18:15). As you do so, remember to:
• Pray for humility and wisdom (1 Peter 5:5)
• Plan your words carefully–think of how you would want to be confronted (Prov.15:1-2; 16:23)
• Anticipate likely reactions and plan appropriate responses– rehearsals can be very helpful (Prov.20:18)
• Choose the right time and place–talk in person whenever possible (Prov.16:21; 27:12)
• Assume the best about the other person until you have facts to prove otherwise (Prov.18:17)
• Listen carefully (Prov.18:13)
• Speak only to build others up (Eph. 4:29)
• Ask for feedback from the other person (Prov.18:2)
• Trust God (Psalm 37:3)